Take Time Out to Play – It’s Summer!

Our mind works in mysterious ways. No one unravels those mysteries better than psychologist Carl Jung, whose books and anecdotes can provide crucial insights into the nature of our unconscious mind.  In one of his many prominent pieces, Jung tell us that once, as an adult, he took a break from work and decided to take a walk on the beach.  While on the sand he was overcome by a spontaneous impulse to build things as he had done as a kid- using found stones and sticks to construct a miniature play scene.  When he finished he felt a sudden rush of emotions and buried intuitions; thoughts about his life became clearer.  Jung concluded that returning to his childlike place had spontaneously stirred up joyful revelations from his unconscious mind.

When I work with children in my office I do not have such a dramatic epiphany, but I do experience a similar creative high.  The calculating, analytic mind takes a rest and unreserved childlike play begins.  I am able to temporarily retreat back to my childhood and allow myself to explore, build and walk an imaginary road into fantasy.  I become a child again in order to communicate from the place where children live- a simple place without the constant need to accomplish goals.

For most of us this kind of play is not usually a first choice for leisure time.  And I am not suggesting that it should be.  I am lucky enough to do this for a living.  However, as adults, there are many merits to entering into a play-like state.  Unfortunately, grown-ups generally do not work at a task without a goal or a reward (work to make money, exercise to lose weight, read a book to make conversation at the next cocktail party).  So, the question is- can we afford spending thirty minutes in the park kicking stones? Yes! Can we sing songs at the top of our lungs without humiliation? Yes! Can we put down the latest best-seller and read a comic book in public? Why not? Can we take time to enjoy the process without having a goal we must achieve? Emphatically yes!

The only goal for play is to enjoy what you’re doing and live in the moment.  Children do it, why must pure pleasure stop at maturity?  Let the experience unfold and you will be surprised how beneficial it is for your mind, body and spirit.  In short, I give all Type A personalities permission to play.  Play alone, play with friends, even with your son or daughter.  This doctor gives you permission!

Recalculating the Recession

The notion of slowing down for a New Yorker is truly an anathema – a certain kiss of death. We, New Yorkers, are known for our speed, our efficiency, our ability to multi-task and whiz through life. But, this recession has somewhat tempered that perception. Not that we are less efficient but somehow all of us, no matter who we are, are finding ourselves with pockets of time that we might not have recognized that we had before. This obvious “vacuum” is in and of itself creating even more unexpected stress.

When I realized I had a few extra moments in my day, I can honestly say that it was a rather jarring experience. I was at a loss without such an overscheduled daily routine. No more long lunches and clearly no shopping expeditions. I now had time to think, to create and to reexamine my priorities as I was eating lunch at my desk. Thus, I chose to participate in my running club which has given me so much more joy and an additional sense of personal community.

Today the task of our running club was to run stairs, up and down, down and up with a little loop of jogging in between. We ran to Bethesda Fountain in the middle of Central Park where every street musician plays a different kind of music and yet it all seems to work, from a harpist to a man playing a unique Chinese instrument, a saxophonist, a juggler, and assorted break dancers. The saxophonist started to look at us running up and down the stairs and spontaneously began playing the theme from Rocky. We all laughed and appreciated his being in synch with us as we were certainly in pain. Luckily, one of us had a couple of dollars and gave him the money so he would continue to make us feel like champions. As we were walking back, we all commented on how a year ago we would not have met each other for all of us felt too pressured to take this hour and a half out in the middle of the day to join a running club.

I am now aware that I am using this uncertain time to counter intuitively improve my health and bolster my sense of personal community. Yesterday I brought my business banker a special coffee and we had our business meeting as usual but with a friendlier, more personal connection. I am consciously looking to connect not only with the people with whom I work but also with the people who serve coffee and offer me a seat on the subway. Maybe for me that’s the lesson of this recession. I am focusing on the good things in my life; my family, my health and building community.

If this recession has made people more available to each other than it indeed has been worth its weight in gold.

Please feel free to write me with personal stories of how this change in economic times has affected you both in a positive and negative way. I continue to offer my half an hour free session to those who have lost their jobs. Please call or email me to set up an appointment.

Running as a Metaphor for Life

Last week I joined a running club. My local gym offered a running club to its members and I decided rather impulsively that this was going to be my self-challenging moment. Like the advice I so freely give others I, too, need to continue to push my boundaries to keep myself alert, focused and creative.

Running is clearly out of my present comfort level since I have not jogged for about ten years.  The first session turned out as I self-prophesized, truly anxiety-provoking. Not only couldn’t I run, I couldn’t breathe! Since the challenge of this first day was to mark your time around a 1.5 mile reservoir, I obviously had to improvise. I ran, I walked, I walked, I ran.  More walking than running, but I was too proud to let my fellow runners see me walk to the end.  I ran over the finish line like I had just finished my first marathon.

Joyfully the next session was easier for me.  Terrence, our gazelle-like running coach, taught us how to do sprints and much to my surprise this was an easier medium for me.  He explained that your body responds naturally either to long distance running or sprinting depending on your physiological makeup.  This does not mean that sprinters cannot run long distance.  They just have to work harder.  So, having determined that I am the sprinter rather than the long distance runner we began the work needed to make me more of a long distance runner.

In life, I am definitely the sprinter. I am extremely energetic and focused when I have a task at hand.  When I have too much to do, I can get easily overwhelmed and have a harder time prioritizing.  In other words, I huff and I puff when I don’t know where I’m going but when I know where I’m going, like seeing a finish line, I gleefully run right towards it. 

But running like life has its peaks and valleys.  Often in the valley part, we become anxious and need more support and help.  Terrence and I have now switched roles; he is my running therapist. He trains me through the anxiety of hills, uneasy moments, and my natural desire to run too fast or walk.  He has given me strategies to achieve my goal and to use my strengths to maximize my weaknesses.  I now talk to myself to make sure my breath is even.  I make my own short-term temporary goals as I run longer distances and, I am becoming more comfortable with the utter aloneness of running.  I even see a glimmer of being more relaxed and enjoying the process. 

I am now proud to report that this week I ran the same 1.5 mile reservoir (without walking)!

To Laugh or Not to Laugh

I’m tired of depressing news. I want to laugh. I made a commitment to myself that I would find humor in my daily life. When it eludes me, I promised myself that I would watch an old Marx Brothers film or look up the popular kids’ pictures in my old yearbooks. To laugh is now my goal.

Humor is healthy. It serves the same purpose as eating your spinach or broccoli. It builds up your immune system, gives you energy and fortifies your soul. On April 9th, a headline on the front page of The New York Times declared: “Anxiety of the recession is seeping into everyday lives!” Well, we all know this is true. The recession has touched us all in some way, shape or form, and clearly, anxiety can be a natural repercussion of economic change. But, I for one need a break from all this anxiety.

Often the best treatment for anxiety is a good old fashioned laugh or a true connection with another person. So in an effort to Ziploc anxiety and create space for a few giggles, I have begun a quest to look for humor in everyday life. In India, they have laughing clubs where total strangers get together and laugh. Much to my delight I found that they exist all over, including New York City and Boston. The connection of being in a room full of laughing people is a totally joyous experience. Here is a list of ideas and resources to help you connect with your lighter side and experience a welcome relief from stress and anxiety. Please feel free to email any suggestions of your own which I will share with the FENG community.

• Laughter Clubs in North America

• Old funny movies like Charlie Chaplin, The Marx Brothers or Some like it Hot.

• Television shows both old and new like The Cosby Show, The Brady Bunch, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, or 30 Rock. • Funny YouTube videos • Old-fashioned group games like charades.

• Books of old knock, knock jokes that you can share with a friend.

• Find a laughing buddy.

In the spirit of this economy, it would be my pleasure to offer FENG members a half-hour free consultation (with or without humor) to anyone out of work or in need of professional help between April 15th and June 1st (by telephone, SKYPE or in my office). You will need to make an appointment by telephone. (212) 794-6057. I will be available on Monday and Friday mornings between 8am-12pm EST.

Lucky, or in the Right Place?

When Napoleon was asked if he preferred courageous or brilliant generals, he replied “Neither.” He preferred lucky generals. Generals who could take risks but were aware of their environment so if necessary they could make any failure into an opportunity.

We all know times are bad. I, like everyone else, am trying to take advantage of every opportunity even those that are unusual and unexpected. I follow my own advice and each day I make a concerted effort to successfully do a small thing I have never done before. So last week I decided to answer a chain letter for the first time ever. I have received emails like this for years and have never acted on any one of them. Anyway, here is the letter I received:

You have just been sent a Money angel! Pass her to two people, and be rich in four days. Pass her to six then be rich in two days. I am not joking, you will find an un-expected windfall if you delete her, you will never know how she works. She really does work like magic! NO pass backs. Pass it on.

This chain letter presented a conundrum for me. I am a therapist working with very successful men and women in the financial sector, many of whom have lost, or are in fear of losing their jobs. I am a rational, educated person whose inclination is not to participate in chain letters. But it was almost the end of the day and I only had a little time left to try something new. So there it was staring me in the face. Keeping in mind that trying something new opens up the capacity for the pre-frontal cortex I had to act fast.

So, on a Thursday I sent the email to six colleagues (with an explanatory note so they would not laugh at me) and then went about my real life as a therapist. I didn’t expect anything, but simply the act of doing it was surprisingly liberating and empowering. Late on Saturday afternoon I realized this was the day! I was going to collect my unexpected windfall.

I went to my mailbox and there were no checks. I also went to the ATM. No big deposits. I looked under the mattress. I was perplexed. And, then I realized that perhaps my unexpected windfall had already come. Perhaps, it was simply the act of creating excitement about something new. I had changed my daily routine and I did something different. I had dutifully opened up my mind to new possibilities. And, although I was doing what I usually do from Thursday through Saturday, I was a little bit more excited with anticipation of the possibilities.

Unfortunately the unexpected windfall never arrived but the experience allowed me to reconnect with colleagues that I had not seen in a while. Each colleague responded back with a delightful offer to get together. So while there was no cash, the currency was in the networking and I did feel lucky.

The following points may be helpful:

• Create an awareness to notice chance opportunities. Take advantage of them.
• Self-fulfilling prophecies have a tendency to emerge through a positive attitude in daily life.
• Lucky people are also resilient people who transform themselves.
• We all have options even in bad times. Empowerment is action rather than inaction.
• If we are to be lucky and succeed in difficult times, we need to take advantage of what’s staring us in the face. Sometimes we need another person to point it out. Reach out for your colleagues.

Ten 10-Minute Rituals for Newly Single Parents: Ways to Forge Connections with Your Children

Building lifetime rituals creates lifetime memories. A ritual is a simple little pause in our everyday lives that provides continuity for family life. What’s especially wonderful about all rituals is that they have a power greater than themselves.

Let’s look at our hectic lives and consider how by simply establishing ten minute rituals you can add structure and meaning to your daily life. A ten-minute ritual performed on a weekly basis can have a lasting affect far longer than the ten minutes themselves. For the single parent either newly divorced or by choice, these rituals shout connection.

A ten minute ritual has the positive potential for creating a new pattern after a traumatic change. Often after parents separate, obligatory rituals that once served no purpose can be discarded and you can establish new rituals which can be a collaborative expression of your new life with your children.

Rituals can be anything which are meaningful to you or your children. They are not to be forced but rather should be organic expressions of measuring time well spent. A ritual is a symbol of closeness, both flexible and contemporary. There are four ritual categories: daily, traditional, those involving celebrations, and those involving life cycle changes.

Children are naturally drawn to daily rituals—they have magical qualities, stories are told—and they usually involve an activity. Children can help to make their own rituals. They want to contribute to them, not just be the recipients.

I have prepared a collection of rituals you can adopt or adapt into your own new collaborative family life. You certainly don’t have to integrate all at once, but even just a couple will make time together more meaningful for all of you.

Ten Ten-Minute Rituals
1. Plan breakfast together for the week. Think of new ideas for what you could have for breakfast. Maybe one day a week have an upside down day (begin with dinner first!).
2. Prepare creative snacks together for the next day.
3. Create a new recipe together – Make chocolate chip cookies with gummy bears and call them “The Smith Family Cookie.”
4. Bedtime is a perfect time to read or tell a story.
5. Monthly clean out: Go through your closet and toys and put a bag together to give away. It doesn’t have to be an abundance of things – it could be one thing to discard in lieu of something new you received. Plan together who will be the recipient of your generosity.
6. Create a special family gesture like a thumbs-up or a high-five.
7. Pick out a weekly Friday night movie together. Make popcorn and have movie night.
8. Weekly share – Have each member of the family pick something to share with the rest of the family. It could be a joke, a cartoon, a paragraph, a book—anything—and share it on a certain day of the week (Sundays work well).
9. Make birthday or other celebratory cards together.
10. Free Ritual: Find something that you and your child enjoy doing together. That way, your ritual is a personal and organic way to spend quality time together. You’ll both want to do it again and again, i.e. walk in the park on a certain path, start a collection (i.e. leaves, postcards, pennies) or go rollerblading or bowling.

Small Steps for Big Change

Kathryn Smerling

In times of unexpected life changes, looking at the big picture often overwhelms.  However, from the perspective that change is just a part of life’s process, we can feel its transient nature.  By opening yourself up to possibilities which change creates, believe it or not, your life can follow a new path.

Clearly, in this tumultuous economic climate, certain changes appear unwelcome and unwanted.  When faced with change we have a bunch of options.  It’s a challenge indeed to let go of a position, a job, a company, which afforded you daily ego satisfaction.  In the line of fire executives are inordinately resilient by nature and the success which you wore well will appear again in a different form.  Call it a coincidence, a fate, or a destiny when you’re open to the possibility of change you can make your own luck. 

The simplest things are often the most powerful.  A smile, a sincerity or small talk with someone you’ve never approached before can often lead to a chance encounter and thus an opportunity.  Networking with other out-of-work executives with whom you’ve never spoken before can lead to a contact, a new position or a new career.  Taking a new position for less pay with a good attitude can transition into that big job that you held before.  By setting small goals each day you’ll be able to reach your big one. 

 Practical Steps

1. Do something you’ve never done before everyday. For instance, as insignificant as it may seem, eat with the hand you don’t usually eat with.  It fires up new brain patterns.
2. Take five minutes to do something for someone else each day.
3. Smile at someone new each day.
4. Exercise everyday, even if it just means a walk.
5. Network with someone new each day.

 About Dr. Smerling:

Our fast moving, technologically driven world impacts directly on families and individuals, often creating change before we are prepared for it and leaving little time for the reflection process until a crisis has emerged.

Dr. Smerling is an experienced practitioner who believes in simplifying complexities of crisis through dynamic problem solving and personal reflection.  Dr Smerling provides a safe and creative environment in which to explore the dynamics of change, particularly within interpersonal and family relationships.

 

The Circadian Rhythm of Our Emotions

In case you don’t have time to read it in its entirety, the following article from Psychology Today states that our emotions go through their own circadian rhythm. Actions that indicate positive emotions follow a 10-12 hour rhythm. I guess that means when you work those long days, give yourself a break at the 10-12 hour mark, and make sure you have a cup of coffee with a friend.

“Body of Evidence: Just Like Clockwork,” Rachel Mahan

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20090118-000002.html

Dr. Smerling NBC Marriage & The Economy

done

Reflection on Job Search

At 25, George was a marathon runner. He ran both the New York and Boston marathons without a hitch. At 26, George was offered his first job in financial management, and work consumed his time. The passion he had previously used to focus on his training now became his “job.” Then at 48 suddenly, at the peak of his career, George abruptly lost his job and came to my office to seek support.

We began our work together by reflecting back on those passions and successes which had contributed to his being the dynamic executive. We looked at George’s acquired skills and strengths. Throughout this process, we picked a parallel active goal- to reinforce the work we were doing together. Running another marathon was a natural choice. The next marathon then became a metaphor for George to take a decisive role in creating his future.

Although I facilitated George’s reflections and self awareness, no one else could run George’s marathon for him. (As no one else can really conduct your job search for you). In order to be true to yourself, and to prevail, you must take direct ownership of your search and thus, the results.

Do you remember the story of Rosie Ruiz and the scandal of the 1979 New York Marathon? To refresh your memories, Miss Ruiz completed the New York marathon in record time only because instead of actually running she took the subway from Queens to Manhattan. At the last mile, she then just jumped in and won the race. Ultimately, she was stripped of the title. Her picture was plastered all over the world; the fraud was discovered when a photographer recognized her as the woman who had he had sat next to on the subway early that morning.

In our runners’ fantasy we would all love to win the New York Marathon without the sweat and pain of extensive training and effort. However, truthfully, no one successfully wins or runs in the marathon without daily training. And, no one lands a job without “pulling their socks up” and making their job search a personal process. Looking for that job becomes your daily job! And, it is best accomplished in exactly the same way that you train for a marathon. By setting small goals that you can achieve, pushing a little farther each day.

As you embark on a job search, pick a parallel goal, like running a marathon that you know you can achieve. Or, learn a new skill. This will help you feel more in control and can act as a daily metaphor for being able to push on, thereby writing the next chapter of your life.

Get out of the house! Set small goals each day that you can achieve – “chunk” your goals. Don’t let looking for a job overwhelm you; it’s a process like any other, one which will have its ups and downs. But, think in terms of accomplishing something for yourself everyday. Keep a journal. Remember a marathon is composed of 26 miles. You have to start somewhere. Start with Mile #1.

Don’t give into depression. Physical exercise creates optimism. So stay physically active. Expand your networking connections. Make one phone call to a new person each day. If it is true that we are only six degrees of separation from each other, it will only be a matter of a short time before you can meet someone who can open the right door for you. And it might not be the ultimate door, but it is a door which, in fact, is a portal of entry into yet another new chapter. Walk in!

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR THE DAY:

1. Keep physically active. Exercise keeps your energy up and stimulates your mind.

2. Call someone new each day.

3. “Chunk” your goals. Create goals for the day, the week, and the month.

4. Create a mantra for yourself when you find yourself daydreaming, such as “Pull Your Socks Up,” or “Keep running.”

5. Learn a new skill while fine tuning your old ones. This will help you feel in control.

6. Keep a journal.

7. Find a new hobby to fill idle time.

8. Get out of the house, do not sit at home pondering.

Dr. Kathryn Smerling

www.drksmerling.com