I’m not sure what the big fuss is about.  Charlie Sheen’s life is far from exemplary.  He is not a scholar, a leader, nor is he even a respectful man. He has five children, four of whom are young, and for photo ops they appear playing ball with him.  Kids need real fathers-with real interaction.  They do not need to be props in a reality show which is their life- a reality show that they didn’t choose to be on.

There is a quality of schadenfreude to all of this.  There is a certain amount of pleasure that we as an audience feel as we watch a character decompose.   Unfortunately, there are many real lives as stake here. Not just his family but the cast, crew, and working community who were employed by CBS to run a highly successful show.  True, he has expressed guilt about jeopardizing so many family incomes, but in typical Sheen fashion he expressed more ‘guilt’ about being the evil one, when he assures us that it is everyone else but him.  Spoken like a true narcissist Charlie!

In my years as a practicing therapist, I have seen many variations of the tragedy that is Charlie Sheen.  However, my patients most often don’t get the public platform that Charlie Sheen commands.  It’s hard work to eliminate drugs and destructive behavior.  And it’s hard work to learn how to be empathic when it doesn’t come naturally.  But it is possible.  It just takes someone of character with values, commitment and support to want to make that change.  In most cases the ‘Aha!’ moment comes when they realize how painful it is to inflict their problems on young children.  Charlie, on the other hand, seems to have no such awareness, and from all accounts he will continue to dance by himself, or with his two ‘roommates,’ in a Sheen-imposed vacuum.

I read today that his friend Sean Penn has reached out to Charlie and invited him to help in his work, rebuilding homes in Haiti.  What a breath of fresh air that would be for Mr. Sheen, because the only way to control rampant narcissism is to think and do for others.

Take a risk Charlie, put your money to good use. Help others, before we all turn off our televisions.

This has been a bittersweet and poignant year for me. On Feb 28^th, one day after my son’s 17^th birthday, I lost my mother. She had been failing for the last couple of years after suffering the cruelty of a stroke. She finally passed on while my Dad, my sister and I were all around her holding her hands as she truly and gently left this world.

I was not prepared for my Mom’s passing, and perhaps you never are. I am still surprised by the waves of longing I often feel, both when I need comfort and have done something I proudly want to share. My mother was my inspiration, and she indeed would be proud of the moral compass and compassion she set in motion with me. And with her death, she has also given me a surpising gift;  that of a new and deeper measure of compassion.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung have both acknowledged that in adulthood, the death of a parent alters you significantly. It reinforces the importance of connection. During these past couple of months, I have become a better therapist, and a better human being; kinder and more compassionate.

Reflection has moved me along in life; helping to incorporate the positive experiences and allowing me to forgive myself and others for the negative ones. Looking inward, is really the key to any kind of change. We need to be able to look back and not be afraid to alter our patterns and recognize things that no longer work for us.

Take time from this hectic holiday season for yourself to quietly connect with a family member, a friend, or yourself.  Appreciate the people in your life. Go that extra step, be a little kinder, take a risk. Offer more compassion. You’ll be delighted when you see how much will come back to you in return. If you take the time to look for it, all of life’s curve balls and crises have a way of giving back to you.

When I work with children in my office I do not have such a dramatic epiphany, but I do experience a similar creative high.  The calculating, analytic mind takes a rest and unreserved childlike play begins.  I am able to temporarily retreat back to my childhood and allow myself to explore, build and walk an imaginary road into fantasy.  I become a child again in order to communicate from the place where children live- a simple place without the constant need to accomplish goals.

For most of us this kind of play is not usually a first choice for leisure time.  And I am not suggesting that it should be.  I am lucky enough to do this for a living.  However, as adults, there are many merits to entering into a play-like state.  Unfortunately, grown-ups generally do not work at a task without a goal or a reward (work to make money, exercise to lose weight, read a book to make conversation at the next cocktail party).  So, the question is- can we afford spending thirty minutes in the park kicking stones? Yes! Can we sing songs at the top of our lungs without humiliation? Yes! Can we put down the latest best-seller and read a comic book in public? Why not? Can we take time to enjoy the process without having a goal we must achieve? Emphatically yes!

The only goal for play is to enjoy what you’re doing and live in the moment.  Children do it, why must pure pleasure stop at maturity?  Let the experience unfold and you will be surprised how beneficial it is for your mind, body and spirit.  In short, I give all Type A personalities permission to play.  Play alone, play with friends, even with your son or daughter.  This doctor gives you permission!

When I realized I had a few extra moments in my day, I can honestly say that it was a rather jarring experience. I was at a loss without such an overscheduled daily routine. No more long lunches and clearly no shopping expeditions. I now had time to think, to create and to reexamine my priorities as I was eating lunch at my desk. Thus, I chose to participate in my running club which has given me so much more joy and an additional sense of personal community.

Today the task of our running club was to run stairs, up and down, down and up with a little loop of jogging in between. We ran to Bethesda Fountain in the middle of Central Park where every street musician plays a different kind of music and yet it all seems to work, from a harpist to a man playing a unique Chinese instrument, a saxophonist, a juggler, and assorted break dancers. The saxophonist started to look at us running up and down the stairs and spontaneously began playing the theme from Rocky. We all laughed and appreciated his being in synch with us as we were certainly in pain. Luckily, one of us had a couple of dollars and gave him the money so he would continue to make us feel like champions. As we were walking back, we all commented on how a year ago we would not have met each other for all of us felt too pressured to take this hour and a half out in the middle of the day to join a running club.

I am now aware that I am using this uncertain time to counter intuitively improve my health and bolster my sense of personal community. Yesterday I brought my business banker a special coffee and we had our business meeting as usual but with a friendlier, more personal connection. I am consciously looking to connect not only with the people with whom I work but also with the people who serve coffee and offer me a seat on the subway. Maybe for me that’s the lesson of this recession. I am focusing on the good things in my life; my family, my health and building community.

If this recession has made people more available to each other than it indeed has been worth its weight in gold.

Please feel free to write me with personal stories of how this change in economic times has affected you both in a positive and negative way. I continue to offer my half an hour free session to those who have lost their jobs. Please call or email me to set up an appointment.

Running is clearly out of my present comfort level since I have not jogged for about ten years.  The first session turned out as I self-prophesized, truly anxiety-provoking. Not only couldn’t I run, I couldn’t breathe! Since the challenge of this first day was to mark your time around a 1.5 mile reservoir, I obviously had to improvise. I ran, I walked, I walked, I ran.  More walking than running, but I was too proud to let my fellow runners see me walk to the end.  I ran over the finish line like I had just finished my first marathon.

Joyfully the next session was easier for me.  Terrence, our gazelle-like running coach, taught us how to do sprints and much to my surprise this was an easier medium for me.  He explained that your body responds naturally either to long distance running or sprinting depending on your physiological makeup.  This does not mean that sprinters cannot run long distance.  They just have to work harder.  So, having determined that I am the sprinter rather than the long distance runner we began the work needed to make me more of a long distance runner.

In life, I am definitely the sprinter. I am extremely energetic and focused when I have a task at hand.  When I have too much to do, I can get easily overwhelmed and have a harder time prioritizing.  In other words, I huff and I puff when I don’t know where I’m going but when I know where I’m going, like seeing a finish line, I gleefully run right towards it. 

But running like life has its peaks and valleys.  Often in the valley part, we become anxious and need more support and help.  Terrence and I have now switched roles; he is my running therapist. He trains me through the anxiety of hills, uneasy moments, and my natural desire to run too fast or walk.  He has given me strategies to achieve my goal and to use my strengths to maximize my weaknesses.  I now talk to myself to make sure my breath is even.  I make my own short-term temporary goals as I run longer distances and, I am becoming more comfortable with the utter aloneness of running.  I even see a glimmer of being more relaxed and enjoying the process. 

I am now proud to report that this week I ran the same 1.5 mile reservoir (without walking)!

Humor is healthy. It serves the same purpose as eating your spinach or broccoli. It builds up your immune system, gives you energy and fortifies your soul. On April 9th, a headline on the front page of The New York Times declared: “Anxiety of the recession is seeping into everyday lives!” Well, we all know this is true. The recession has touched us all in some way, shape or form, and clearly, anxiety can be a natural repercussion of economic change. But, I for one need a break from all this anxiety.

Often the best treatment for anxiety is a good old fashioned laugh or a true connection with another person. So in an effort to Ziploc anxiety and create space for a few giggles, I have begun a quest to look for humor in everyday life. In India, they have laughing clubs where total strangers get together and laugh. Much to my delight I found that they exist all over, including New York City and Boston. The connection of being in a room full of laughing people is a totally joyous experience. Here is a list of ideas and resources to help you connect with your lighter side and experience a welcome relief from stress and anxiety. Please feel free to email any suggestions of your own which I will share with the FENG community.

• Laughter Clubs in North America

• Old funny movies like Charlie Chaplin, The Marx Brothers or Some like it Hot.

• Television shows both old and new like The Cosby Show, The Brady Bunch, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, or 30 Rock. • Funny YouTube videos • Old-fashioned group games like charades.

• Books of old knock, knock jokes that you can share with a friend.

• Find a laughing buddy.

In the spirit of this economy, it would be my pleasure to offer FENG members a half-hour free consultation (with or without humor) to anyone out of work or in need of professional help between April 15th and June 1st (by telephone, SKYPE or in my office). You will need to make an appointment by telephone. (212) 794-6057. I will be available on Monday and Friday mornings between 8am-12pm EST.

We all know times are bad. I, like everyone else, am trying to take advantage of every opportunity even those that are unusual and unexpected. I follow my own advice and each day I make a concerted effort to successfully do a small thing I have never done before. So last week I decided to answer a chain letter for the first time ever. I have received emails like this for years and have never acted on any one of them. Anyway, here is the letter I received:

You have just been sent a Money angel! Pass her to two people, and be rich in four days. Pass her to six then be rich in two days. I am not joking, you will find an un-expected windfall if you delete her, you will never know how she works. She really does work like magic! NO pass backs. Pass it on.

This chain letter presented a conundrum for me. I am a therapist working with very successful men and women in the financial sector, many of whom have lost, or are in fear of losing their jobs. I am a rational, educated person whose inclination is not to participate in chain letters. But it was almost the end of the day and I only had a little time left to try something new. So there it was staring me in the face. Keeping in mind that trying something new opens up the capacity for the pre-frontal cortex I had to act fast.

So, on a Thursday I sent the email to six colleagues (with an explanatory note so they would not laugh at me) and then went about my real life as a therapist. I didn’t expect anything, but simply the act of doing it was surprisingly liberating and empowering. Late on Saturday afternoon I realized this was the day! I was going to collect my unexpected windfall.

I went to my mailbox and there were no checks. I also went to the ATM. No big deposits. I looked under the mattress. I was perplexed. And, then I realized that perhaps my unexpected windfall had already come. Perhaps, it was simply the act of creating excitement about something new. I had changed my daily routine and I did something different. I had dutifully opened up my mind to new possibilities. And, although I was doing what I usually do from Thursday through Saturday, I was a little bit more excited with anticipation of the possibilities.

Unfortunately the unexpected windfall never arrived but the experience allowed me to reconnect with colleagues that I had not seen in a while. Each colleague responded back with a delightful offer to get together. So while there was no cash, the currency was in the networking and I did feel lucky.

The following points may be helpful:

• Create an awareness to notice chance opportunities. Take advantage of them.
• Self-fulfilling prophecies have a tendency to emerge through a positive attitude in daily life.
• Lucky people are also resilient people who transform themselves.
• We all have options even in bad times. Empowerment is action rather than inaction.
• If we are to be lucky and succeed in difficult times, we need to take advantage of what’s staring us in the face. Sometimes we need another person to point it out. Reach out for your colleagues.

Let’s look at our hectic lives and consider how by simply establishing ten minute rituals you can add structure and meaning to your daily life. A ten-minute ritual performed on a weekly basis can have a lasting affect far longer than the ten minutes themselves. For the single parent either newly divorced or by choice, these rituals shout connection.

A ten minute ritual has the positive potential for creating a new pattern after a traumatic change. Often after parents separate, obligatory rituals that once served no purpose can be discarded and you can establish new rituals which can be a collaborative expression of your new life with your children.

Rituals can be anything which are meaningful to you or your children. They are not to be forced but rather should be organic expressions of measuring time well spent. A ritual is a symbol of closeness, both flexible and contemporary. There are four ritual categories: daily, traditional, those involving celebrations, and those involving life cycle changes.

Children are naturally drawn to daily rituals—they have magical qualities, stories are told—and they usually involve an activity. Children can help to make their own rituals. They want to contribute to them, not just be the recipients.

I have prepared a collection of rituals you can adopt or adapt into your own new collaborative family life. You certainly don’t have to integrate all at once, but even just a couple will make time together more meaningful for all of you.

Ten Ten-Minute Rituals
1. Plan breakfast together for the week. Think of new ideas for what you could have for breakfast. Maybe one day a week have an upside down day (begin with dinner first!).
2. Prepare creative snacks together for the next day.
3. Create a new recipe together – Make chocolate chip cookies with gummy bears and call them “The Smith Family Cookie.”
4. Bedtime is a perfect time to read or tell a story.
5. Monthly clean out: Go through your closet and toys and put a bag together to give away. It doesn’t have to be an abundance of things – it could be one thing to discard in lieu of something new you received. Plan together who will be the recipient of your generosity.
6. Create a special family gesture like a thumbs-up or a high-five.
7. Pick out a weekly Friday night movie together. Make popcorn and have movie night.
8. Weekly share – Have each member of the family pick something to share with the rest of the family. It could be a joke, a cartoon, a paragraph, a book—anything—and share it on a certain day of the week (Sundays work well).
9. Make birthday or other celebratory cards together.
10. Free Ritual: Find something that you and your child enjoy doing together. That way, your ritual is a personal and organic way to spend quality time together. You’ll both want to do it again and again, i.e. walk in the park on a certain path, start a collection (i.e. leaves, postcards, pennies) or go rollerblading or bowling.